2 RED threads: July 2014

I've obviously been out of the blog world for awhile given the fact I've not posted in a couple of months... partly because my life seems to be a tad crazier lately for some odd reason (ha!) and partly because my raw emotions have been ALL.OVER.THE.PLACE since returning home from China with our newest addition. Yep, I said it. Well, we've ALL experienced our own ROLLER COASTER emotions, and we ALL seem to be displaying it in very different ways.

As I fumble on the keyboard right now, I continue to grasp how to put my thoughts into cyberspace. As my family awoke in a new month yesterday, my man started commuting out of a new domicile in order to have a better schedule...adjusting. As of this morning I was perplexed of some news I'd heard from a doctor from yesterday...processing. As I type, I'm hearing Abigail teach Chan to read...thanking (I about pulled my hair out teaching AA to read!). As of about 3 months post adoption, I guess I've got the post adoption blues.

the "twins"

Adoption is wonderful. Adoption is hard. Adoption rocks your world (good and ~~bad~~ unexpected ways). Adoption is exhausting. Adoption is grief (for the adoptee and for the adopter...in different ways). Adoption is blessing. Adoption will bring up roller coaster emotions for all involved. Adoption is hard on established family and marriage. Yep, I'm guilty of posting all the "happy" pics on social media. Not that that is bad, but maybe it doesn't give a completely accurate portrayal all the time of my life (because...you know, who really wants to see a mama all teary-eyed because she just wanted to pinch offeveryone's head right before church (yes, David and I had true confessions in our own Sunday School class that he teaches a few weeks ago...ugh!) OR hear video of my newest son saying, "NO! NO! NO!" to a new adult friend because of no clue of social appropriateness OR asking after David and I celebrated our birthdays, "Mama, when is my birthday?" OR my youngest daughter asking, "Why won't I ever know my birth parents?" OR having to explain for the zillionth time, "Well, as a matter of fact, yes...most asians are smaller in size than most Americans." I'm learning to respond with somewhat of a straight face to some of the non-filtered comments that people say to our blended family and stay calm when training manners to my newest blessing. It just seems that I'm "on" 24/7 (as all parents are)- but just in a different way.

PLEEEEEEASE don't get me wrong. I wouldn't change our journey. My family is a HUGE BLESSING. The Lord has blessed in so many incredible ways....can't even count! I look into my kiddoes eyes, and I'm bewildered. Can't even imagine why God chose David and me to be shepherds of our three little sheep. Frustrated and feel guilty that I'm spiritually worn out, and I SO don't want to be! Struggling with contentment when there are many unknowns in our family's life right now (health, career, schooling)- but peaceful at the same time that I KNOW the Lord is in control and HE provides and guides. I love Jesus, and my life is full because of Him and what He's done for me! I'm given a choice each day in how to live my life for Him. I desire to love and serve Him, but I've got flesh on these bones so I struggle at times- lots of times. If you know me at all, you know I'm quite honest. I can't just answer, "I'm ok." if I'm really not. I have some pat answers that are very truthful about my circumstances without having to divulge all the gunk in my life to every acquaintance. I sometimes get some looks, but hey, I'm ok with that. Sorry to my close friends because they get all the gunk spewed on them.

I think another reason I've been so emotional is that when I reflect on the VASTNESS of needs in my own children, my friend's children who are adopted plus the needs of so many orphans who remain in the world, ALONG with sitting sandwiched between my two children who are adopted from another country during our church's FREEDOM concert this past Sunday, it is just mind boggling. John 8:36 states, "So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed." FREE. Most who read this are sitting in a country with freedoms. Multiple freedoms. Freedoms we all take for granted. I know my true freedom comes through Christ...and extremely grateful 4 out of 5 in my immediate family knows that as well (praying in expectation for the 5th!).

One reason I've found it fascinating to adopt older children is because they can share with me some of their past. Challenging as you reshape thinking and training (or lack there of) if these impressionable minds. It hurts me, but I'm grateful to know glimpses of their past. Don't be offended, but the majority of Westerners who live with 2.2 children, have an income, food on their table, cars to drive, and choices of where to worship, educate and shop do not have a glimpse of how most of the world lives. Oh my.

Since the kids and I are working on our attitude of gratitude, here are some of mine I'm choosing to dwell upon: Chan attended vacation bible school (and good friend of ours was partnered with him all week), his English is exploding, David has a job, my health is stable, sibling relationships are improving, my freedom, my salvation, Chan ASKING to pray in church this last week, him seeing our friends are leaders in the church (connecting the dots). Chan is smart as a whip and is very creative. He's beginning to read in English and continuing to read in Chinese, roof over my head and food to eat. More "firsts" for Chan- attending a high school graduation/band concert/spring musical, going to the library/movie/lake/pool, licking icing from beater, fishing and driving a boat with his Papa D. Another biggie has been him beginning to understand unconditional love. David and I obviously have some discipline and training opportunities with Chan. I was so taken back with one of the first times we have to discipline him We continued to say I love you, hug him, and he just looked at us like we had horns growing out of our heads. He was baffled. Gulp!

Ok, so since I'm not documenting my "unhappy" moments in pictures, here are some of my "happy" pics (ha!) of our busy thus far because we traveled out of state for my oldest nephew's graduation, introduced Chan to more friends and family, attended multiple doctor appointments, and celebrated lots of "firsts"!