Writer's Block

It seems that over the past few weeks I've had writer's block. That's kind a funny to me because I have found that I write when I've got lots on my heart (let's just say there's a lot that's NOT published though). Maybe I've had so much on my mind in 2010 that I don't know where to start. I've had lots of ups and lots of downs in the past few months. I definitely know that the first few months of the year were full of hope and excitement, the next few moths were terribly discouraging and draining, and now it's back to excitement yet have some frustration all at the same time. Go figure!

I guess I'll reflect on the last couple of months. Honestly, it goes back to last December (but that's another story) when David and I learned of a possible opportunity with his company and committed it to lots of prayer. In May of this year we sensed that opportunity was not quite right for us. It crushed us. It frustrated us. It broke our hearts because it seemed that God was leading us in this direction. Some of our closest friends understood our heartache because they knew our heart and why we were pursuing this. We couldn't understand why we thought we heard “no” from God. And like a typical male (sorry to generalize), David put it out of his mind (well, sort of) yet I could not let it go- not only in my mind but in my heart. You see, it was an opportunity to live overseas. I continued to pray, and I tried REAL hard to move on from it. Early in my dating relationship with David we discussed the dream (hate to say “dream” because that sounds so lofty and unrealistic to me) of living outside the bubble of which we had lived (and both of our bubbles are drastically different, too) to experience and minister in a culture not only different for us but for our children. I had applied to work with an overseas organization as a single adult, and he had thoughts of something similar, too. I explored it, but didn't have a peace about it once I interviewed.

Mid-summer I finished a book that I had heard a lot a buzz about (and I've never gotten wrapped up in the “latest and greatest”!). Let's just say it's caused all these thoughts and longings to resurface. Well, not resurface...just put a little more spark on the fire. God, I don't know what you have in store for our little family, but I do know you're up to something. You always are! David and I wonder if we didn't understand You correctly back in May or maybe it was You saying, “Hold on. Not yet. Wait on Me.” Help us to be sensitive to your still small voice. You've always taken me on quite a ride!

We've pursued for two years opportunities to go on a mission trip as a family and things get in the way. I know you're probably thinking, “well, of course, things always get in the way when you desire to do something for the Lord. Guess who doesn't want you to do things for the Lord?” )Ummm, that would be satan!) Our “things” happen to be our summer last year was traveling to China to pick our our daughter. This summer my husband didn't get ANY vacation time in the summer months. We even tried to do something over the girl's Fall Break....that didn't work out either. Weird... can't figure that one out, honestly. These “things” weren't bad “things”. They were things out of our control. Instead, we went on vacation two weeks ago. Honestly, I felt guilt about it at times during the week. We were spending money on us when we could be spending money on others and helping others. We did have a fabulous time though. It was the first time we (just our family of four) got away on vacation. It was glorious! Relaxing. Joyful. Fantastic. Thank you, God for provision for us to enjoy Your Creation....wow! It was a precious time for me personally to enjoy the pure excitement in our girl's eyes as they enjoyed swimming, splashing, eating, getting rained on, getting bumped to 1^st class, acting silly, smashing a pinata, putt-putting (is that a word??), etc. It gave me just a glimmer of how God must smile at His children when He sees us to enjoying what He's given us. It gave me such a rush of emotions & thankfulness to see our sweet little firecracker (aka Audrey An) partake in such things she had never ever experienced and would have never experienced if God had not placed her in our family.

Tonight that topic (living overseas) came into conversation again with some friends, and I just get a twinkle in my eye just even talking about it. My scattered brain continues to sort all of this out again with David. Actually, this post has been in my draft box for weeks! See, I really have had writer's block! I analyze and analyze and then analyze how I've analyzed it....wow...that just sounds horrible when I type it. “Trust in the Lord in lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge HIM and He WILL direct your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6

Okay, enough rambling...I obviously cannot sleep and should actually be in bed, but I felt like rambling a bit.