Roller Coasters=Summer fun?

I've obviously been out of the blog world for awhile given the fact I've not posted in a couple of months... partly because my life seems to be a tad crazier lately for some odd reason (ha!) and partly because my raw emotions have been ALL.OVER.THE.PLACE since returning home from China with our newest addition.  Yep, I said it. Well, we've ALL experienced our own ROLLER COASTER emotions, and we ALL seem to be displaying it in very different ways.

As I fumble on the keyboard right now, I continue to grasp how to put my thoughts into cyberspace. As my family awoke in a new month yesterday, my man started commuting out of a new domicile in order to have a better schedule...adjusting. As of this morning I was perplexed of some news I'd heard from a doctor from yesterday...processing. As I type, I'm hearing Abigail teach Chan to read...thanking (I about pulled my hair out teaching AA to read!). As of about 3 months post adoption, I guess I've got the post adoption blues. 

the "twins"

Adoption is wonderful.  Adoption is hard.  Adoption rocks your world (good and bad unexpected ways). Adoption is exhausting. Adoption is grief (for the adoptee and for the adopter...in different ways).  Adoption is blessing. Adoption will bring up roller coaster emotions for all involved.  Adoption is hard on established family and marriage. Yep, I'm guilty of posting all the "happy" pics on social media.  Not that that is bad, but maybe it doesn't give a completely accurate portrayal all the time of my life (because...you know, who really wants to see a mama all teary-eyed because she just wanted to pinch offeveryone's head right before church (yes, David and I had true confessions in our own Sunday School class that he teaches a few weeks ago...ugh!) OR hear video of my newest son saying, "NO! NO! NO!" to a new adult friend because of no clue of social appropriateness OR asking after David and I celebrated our birthdays, "Mama, when is my birthday?" OR my youngest daughter asking, "Why won't I ever know my birth parents?" OR having to explain for the zillionth time, "Well, as a matter of fact, yes...most asians are smaller in size than most Americans."  I'm learning to respond with somewhat of a straight face to some of the non-filtered comments that people say to our blended family and stay calm when training manners to my newest blessing.  It just seems that I'm "on" 24/7 (as all parents are)- but just in a different way.

PLEEEEEEASE don't get me wrong.  I wouldn't change our journey. My family is a HUGE BLESSING. The Lord has blessed in so many incredible ways....can't even count!  I look into my kiddoes eyes, and I'm bewildered. Can't even imagine why God chose David and me to be shepherds of our three little sheep. Frustrated and feel guilty that I'm spiritually worn out, and I SO don't want to be!  Struggling with contentment when there are many unknowns in our family's life right now (health, career, schooling)- but peaceful at the same time that I KNOW the Lord is in control and HE provides and guides.  I love Jesus, and my life is full because of Him and what He's done for me!  I'm given a choice each day in how to live my life for Him.  I desire to love and serve Him, but I've got flesh on these bones so I struggle at times- lots of times. If you know me at all, you know I'm quite honest.  I can't just answer, "I'm ok." if I'm really not.  I have some pat answers that are very truthful about my circumstances without having to divulge all the gunk in my life to every acquaintance. I sometimes get some looks, but hey, I'm ok with that. Sorry to my close friends because they get all the gunk spewed on them. 

I think another reason I've been so emotional is that when I reflect on the VASTNESS of needs in my own children, my friend's children who are adopted plus the needs of so many orphans who remain in the world, ALONG with sitting sandwiched between my two children who are adopted from another country during our church's FREEDOM concert this past Sunday, it is just mind boggling. John 8:36 states, "So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed." FREE. Most who read this are sitting in a country with freedoms. Multiple freedoms. Freedoms we all take for granted. I know my true freedom comes through Christ...and extremely grateful 4 out of 5 in my immediate family knows that as well (praying in expectation for the 5th!).

One reason I've found it fascinating to adopt older children is because they can share with me some of their past. Challenging as you reshape thinking and training (or lack there of) if these impressionable minds. It hurts me, but I'm grateful to know glimpses of their past. Don't be offended, but the majority of Westerners who live with 2.2 children, have an income, food on their table, cars to drive, and choices of where to worship, educate and shop do not have a glimpse of how most of the world lives.  Oh my. 

Since the kids and I are working on our attitude of gratitude, here are some of mine I'm choosing to dwell upon: Chan attended vacation bible school (and good friend of ours was partnered with him all week), his English is exploding, David has a job, my health is stable, sibling relationships are improving, my freedom, my salvation, Chan ASKING to pray in church this last week, him seeing our friends are leaders in the church (connecting the dots). Chan is smart as a whip and is very creative. He's beginning to read in English and continuing to read in Chinese, roof over my head and food to eat. More "firsts" for Chan- attending a high school graduation/band concert/spring musical, going to the library/movie/lake/pool, licking icing from beater, fishing and driving a boat with his Papa D.  Another biggie has been him beginning to understand unconditional love. David and I obviously have some discipline and training opportunities with Chan. I was so taken back with one of the first times we have to discipline him   We continued to say I love you, hug him, and he just looked at us like we had horns growing out of our heads. He was baffled. Gulp!

Ok, so since I'm not documenting my "unhappy" moments in pictures, here are some of my "happy" pics (ha!) of our busy thus far because we traveled out of state for my oldest nephew's graduation, introduced Chan to more friends and family, attended multiple doctor appointments, and celebrated lots of "firsts"!

Meeting more family at his cousin's graduation 

So proud of Steven!

Meeting his great grandma

More cousins at my favorite Mexican restaurant 

Surprise birthday dinner

Abs learned to wakeboard

Audrey An learned to ski

Abigail leading worship at vbs

One of Chan's MANY Lego creations- Papa D's boat (trailer hitch and all!)

My man

Chinese and English- pretty cool

7 Moms...

Foster mama (to both Audrey An and Chan) and forever mama...priceless treasure to meet, thank, kiss and hug the woman who cared for two of my three children!

Since becoming a wife almost 15 years ago (at the end of this month!), I appreciate life from a different perspective. Since becoming a parent almost 13 years ago, I view a lot of things from a different vantage point.  Since becoming an adoptive mama 5 years ago, I see many things in even more unique ways- one being Mother's Day.  Who can say they've had 5 moms?  Well, too many in the world, unfortunately.  One of children can say she has...at least 4.  One of my children can he has...at least 5.  They've had 7 combined and 2 shared.

This weekend I rejoice- for my mom.  I rejoice- for my two newest addition's birth mothers.  Praise God from whom all blessings flow they chose life!  David and I will never know the circumstances of Audrey An and Chan's birth parents, but I do know that it was a very brave choice!  I pray for them.  My family prays for them.  Audrey An has prayed for them for as long she's known what prayer is and understood the concept of "birth mother" and "foster mother".  What exactly does my sweet girl pray?  That they will someday know who Jesus is.  That someday she will meet them (a "yes" answer to that for her foster parents came on March 20, 2014!). That maybe SHE will be the ones to share The Good News with them one day.  I love her heart, and it was absolutely precious to see her countenance when she was reunited with her foster family- not scared or anxious.  Just plain...thrilled!  She was even excited to return to the orphanage to see where she spent the first 1 1/2 years of life.  Wow.  She is one brave girl.

This week I looked through our China pictures again and was once again humbled by the absolute miracle of adoption- physical and spiritual.  I have such a better understanding of my own spiritual adoption having been through the process of physical adoption not once but twice.  The hard work. The tears. The giving up of your own will. The joy. The journey. 

2 birth moms and dads- black shadow since it will always be a mystery

orphanage "mommies" -from what is referred to as the "pink castle".  This is where AA lived for 1 1/2 years and where Chan lived for just a few days.

Foster mama and Audrey An being reunited after 5 years! She lived with this foster family for 3 years.

Foster mama and Chan in a very emotional reunion after only 3 weeks. He lived with this foster family for 7 years.

definitely a range of emotions...

 Chan's bridge foster family who graciously took in, cared for, and loved on our sweet boy for about 2 1/2 weeks prior to our travel.  We will be forever grateful and bonded to you!

My oldest, Abigail Lindsey

My youngest, Audrey An Xiaoli

My newest, Chan David

Oh, how I do pray that each of my THREE children know they were not only chosen by God for life and His special purposes, but I pray they understand that each of them were chosen by their birth parents to have life!  Your daddy and I love all of you very much!  We pray for you daily.  How blessed I am be your mommy!

Playdough Jesus?

Ok, really??? this has been sitting in my blog "darft" for a year??? For some reason it's not showing up that it ever was published, sooooo, here ya go- about one year later! (I'm publishing it on 3/13/15!)

As I begin this blog entry, David and I are sitting in a small room while Chan is having a MRI. I'll probably not finish this entry in one sitting either. Honestly, it's the first time I've been without my new shadow since March 16. I looooove my shadow, but if you know me well at all I need me some space at times. 45 minutes to breathe by myself is nice although I didn't expect to cry when I saw my son's eyes close 5 seconds after the sedation went into his vein. He's SO brave! Praise the Lord We are able to communicate through translation apps on our phones to prepare him somewhat of all these doctor appointments, xrays, MRI, etc.

Can you even imagine all the changes he's gone through in the last six weeks? Unbelievable. Truly. He's simply amazing.  New family, friends, language, food, smells, car seatbelts, culture, address, clothes, doctors, dentist, immunizations, blood draws,, xrays, MRI, church, home, routine, toys (well, he never had toys that I saw when we visited his foster family), and "school" (although he's home just trying to adjust he does love him some iPad school!)...EVERYTHING IS NEW!  Did I mention how brave he is?!?

Family fun...after doctor appointment for me (another normal CPK- about 7 months in a row! Woohoo!!)

Chan's first egg hunt

Some dear friends hosted an Easter Celebration/Welcome Home party for Chan and two other sweet kiddoes who've just been adopted in our church.  It was a great time and so fun to see him begin to mix it up with new friends. He even played his first baseball game...hit the ball the first time!

This is our fourth year for our CHUBBY BUNNY tradition with Rachel- how many can we stuff into our mouth (without throwing up?!).  David won this year.

Resurrection Sunday morning

Chan with his best buds...Parker and Aubrey. I'm really thankful these guys have stepped up and made Chan feel so at home.  They have been great friends to him!  They've downloaded translation apps, blown up stuff with him (and David!), played hours of wii & nerf blasters, sat with him at church, and the list goes on!

And our neighbor and friend, TJ, has done much of the same.  He blessed him with a bike and spent his Saturday with him!

Audrey An and Anna...and when Chan is with them we affectionally call them the Chinese delegation. Love them!

My Abigail is growing up!

So this is the exciting part of this post! Chan came RUNNING upstairs shouting, "Look, Mama! Jesus!" Ok, wow!  I wish I had a better picture, but it was so detailed (from the "King of the Jews" sign, fingers, feet- and I wonder if he purposely mixed the playdough to make it look like blood?). He initiated this piece of art after he found and watched the Jesus Film (the long version) on the iPad earlier the same morning! Folks, this is a GREAT reminder to me that you never know what our kids are absorbing (the good stuff and the bad stuff). Thank you, Lord, that Chan is soaking the great stuff in like a super sponge right now and protect him from yuck of the world! This what it's all about, people!

This is one of my most favorite gifts- love it! My aunt sent Audrey An a bilingual bible when she came home from China. AA has enjoyed it, but she never read it in Chinese. Chan has been taking hers to church. She just sent Chan a similar bible (which he DOES read in chinese!) along with a worship cd in Chinese and 100 bible verses (in Chinese and English).  The bible came with a follow-along audio cd, and he's already listened to the first 8 stories!

It's been a very busy few weeks since we've been home.  Not only have we all even trying to adjust to being a family of five, overcoming jet lag, assessing what he can/can't do "school wise" and find our new normal... I have had doctor appointments as well as Chan as I mentioned.  We received the  results late Friday afternoon for his MRI.  I have to admit, I was relieved and somewhat encouraged by some of the things we learned. We are learning that his issues are not congenital and somewhat correctable but have were caused from his environment (we suspected but weren't sure).  Again, simply unbelievable.  Unbelievable since we already see a change since he's had good nutrition and clean water.  We will be seeing yet another specialist on Monday and hopefully that will yield us some more answers to a pretty much unknown medical history. This is one of the risks one takes when saying yes to a call from The Lord to international adoption.  He's held our hands each step of this journey, and He will continue.  Is it scary at times? Yes. Is it worth it? Yes. 

Chan is sharp as a tack. He taught himself to ride a bike this week, and I bought him a golf club, baseball mit/ball/glove/bat yesterday to go along with every other kind of ball that have now found a place at our house. He's Observant. Creative. Detailed. Athletic. Artistic. Determined. We've seen some of the grieving process, but it has not been over the top to date.  The toughest relationship in the family us between Chan and Audrey An.  Interesting. That's another post! I've seen him skip over all pictures and videos of his foster family to just a few days ago flipping through looking at them.  I even got brave enough to ask him if he missed China. He said yes, but he also said he liked being in America with his new family (and even said it with the grin!).

Loving having a boy.  So different but different kind of fun. Chan's learning, I'm learning...we are all learning! So extremely thankful to God for being patient with me in this process. And a process it is!

as you can see...I started this on Thursday, and I'm obviously not still waiting on a MRI to finish on Saturday night!

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

Ok, I admit...I just broke about every adoption rule of attachment and bonding and took my child to church after being home 9 days (but hey... it was only 2 days with Audrey An, and she's doing ok five years later- lol!).  On Friday, I drove him to our church building to let him look around prior to us going on Sunday. Well, that didn't go as planned. I was going to take him into the worship center, into his classroom and into our classroom where his daddy teaches (in case he went to our class instead).  He didn't even want to get out of the car so I didn't push it, of course, but I told him that it was a special place for our family, and that we will be coming here every week.  Once I said that, he looked at me with that sweet smile of his and nodded "yes."  I explained we come to worship God and fellowship with our friends. Well, he wasn't quite sure about that! I told him Aubrey, Parker, TJ, Hannah, Luke, Lindsey and Hannah would be there (all friends he'd met last week)- he got SO excited!

So... Saturday we prepped him again. Sunday morning we prepped him again. He saw all of us getting dressed a bit nicer than he's seen so far. He's heard us pray (even though he didn't understand our words) that God would give him a peace on Sunday. That he would not be scared. That God would begin to use this yet another "first" in his life with his forever family to draw Chan to Himself. 

He was a little resistant to go in the building, but I asked our friends Aubrey and Parker to meet him outside and that helped. My apologies to everyone I passed in the hallways and said while smiling, "Don't be offended that I'm still walking. He is a little overwhelmed right now, and we're going to just keep walking!  He will meet you later! "

Sitting next to his little sister. I translated a few things but mainly just sat back and let him get used to being in the class with the other kids.

He thought it was kind of funny that his mei mei was helping with the singing. I thought it was PERFECT that he was already seeing his sister serve in our church. 

Listening to Pastor Jason ...sitting between Audrey An and her best friend. Sorry, Grace, he scooted you over!

We strategically sat towards the back in case we had to make a quick exit. He walked in with Parker, but Chan saved a seat for Aubrey (too sweet!). 

My Aunt Linda gave this bilingual bible to Audrey An almost five years, and it's been sitting on his dresser since we have been home. He he hasn't touched it until Sunday. He was completely engaged with it for about 20-25 minutes in the service (yes, he can read chinese...sweet!). His eyes got as big as saucers, and he gasped several times while reading. So I know he was trying to comprehend all the miracles that he was reading! I leaned over to my friend Michelle and told her what was happening. She told me she had been praying that God would speak to him today in his language. Isn't God so great? I just love that!!

There was a fascination for Chan. There was anxiousness at times (as he kept showing me the sign "drive"...aka "let's go!"). I do know God was working though. He was stirring in my son's heart- and has been for awhile. It's completing incredible to see God's miracles unfolding before my eyes!

This is the first time I've jealousy on Chan's part! Audrey An climbed up into my lap, and he did not like that! I had room for two though!  Michelle took this shot, and I didn't even know it.

Priceless!! I adore how he's looking up at Parker. We slipped out of the service early- he was finished! Pretty good though for a first Sunday in the States!

Our sweet friend, Shanna, made these these shirts and gave them to us at church yesterday. They are precious!

It was a great "first" at FIRSTbcj!  Our choir sang one of my favorite songs- "The Majesty and Glory of Your a Name" followed by "Surely the Presence of The Lord is in This Place."... Gulp. Tears. Grateful. 

Some of the notes I wrote down during Pastor Mel's sermon were the following: God will take you to places you don't necessarily want to go. God will tell me things I may not want to hear. God may make you see life in ways that I may not want to see" (Christa's paraphrase). Isn't that the truth. God opened my eyes, and God opened David's eyes at the same time a little over a year ago (after many years of praying and not being on the same page at the same time) to pursue "ADB".  We were told finding ADB would be like finding a needle in a haystack (by one agency), but God knew where that needle was! I'm thankful we pursued that needle/God's plan even when it didn't make sense to others.  To God be the Glory!

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways    and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:8-9