You Are For Me

This song   by Kari Jobe has blessed me today.  While waiting for David to get back from his trip I have sat on my sofa with my arms around both of my girls and just teared up.  I've wept because I KNOW these words to be true- and for that I'm thankful.  It's been another difficult week, but David and I feel like even though we've been waiting to hear back from doctors and insurance it's been a productive week.  God continues to take us down a path of reading, researching, calling, emailing, confirming, opening/closing doors, and putting some puzzle pieces together AT THE SAME TIME continually working on our hearts in the midst of this huge process.  In fact, when David got home we were listening to the song again and again. We all four sat and stared at the computer screen in silence listening to these beautiful words.  Nobody told anyone to sit and listen.  We just did.   One of those moments I just sensed His presence.  I wonder what the other three were thinking?  I didn't dare ask at the time.  It was kind of holy moment, if you will.   For me, it was reassurance.  It was comfort.  It was hope in which I've been asking.  I was sharing with a lady this week that this year has not only been a year of physical pain but of emotional pain- gut wrenching, heart breaking....just downright painful in so many ways.  We both talked about "that all things work together for the good for those who love Him."  So very, very true.

Yesterday, I saw some small improvements. So I give Him praise.  I praise Him that we had some resolve on insurance issues this week (still have a ways to go!).  I praise Him because I was able to go to my small group study which was such a blessing to me.  I praise Him because the sun came out a couple of days...so you KNOW that made me a happy camper!  I praise Him that I was able to walk down the street to take the girls to get an ice cream on Friday.   Goodness, I praise Him that I was able to get out of bed and actually get dressed a couple of days this week!   I praise Him that my sores on my knuckles have almost closed up and the redness on my chest and hands are some better today.  Maybe I'm beginning to see the work of the antibiotics.  I know I still have a very long road ahead of me toward physical healing and quite frankly, that can get overwhelming at times, but the words of that song so completely met me where I was today...."You are for me...I know you will never forsake me in my WEAKNESS."

We still covet your prayers in major family decisions and that we will come out on the other side of all this stronger.  In my James study for the new week I was asked some pointed questions.  Sometimes I don't like those kind of questions, but last night I did.  I sat and wrote out some very honest answers.  Even though there's pain, I know God is at work and He has my best interest at heart.  Man, it's not a fun place to be, but He's GOT to have something for me to learn from all of this....just hope I'll learn my lesson!

"I know that you are for me. "I know that you will never forsake me in my weakness..."

"so faithful. so constant..."

"so powerful in all You do...."

"to remind me who you are..."

okay, I really should go to bed now...but back to listen to my song :-)

Trust His Heart

One year ago this week is when I began to feel so physically sick, and I couldn't move a muscle (literally). I cannot believe it's been that long.  Trust me, in some ways it feels like eternity though!    Here is when I started journaling about it all.  As I said before, I'm the type to reflect, ponder, and analyze...maybe a tad too much at times.  I guess it's a good thing though when that quality causes me to appreciate the positive things and reevaluate the negative things in my life- and then do something about it.  I've teared up today re-reading some of those early posts- because I'm thankful I've written down my thoughts so I can remember HOW the Lord DOES provide, give insight, and cares about the details of our lives.  When one is in the middle of it, it's easy to forget that some times.  I think I really needed to go back and read those earlier posts!

David's on a trip right now, and we've just spoken.  He has had the greatest confidence through this entire illness that I will be delivered from this dreadful disease, and he reminded me of that again now.  Yes, he's wondered when it's been so long and sometimes feel like the silence is deafening, but he's hopeful.  It's just great to hear your man be confident, you know!? When my faith has been down (like as of late), he's been my cheerleader.  When I'm in so much pain and so weak to even pull the sheet over me or lift my pillow, he's there.  When I need to cry and/or talk things out, he listens.  Thank you, David.  I love you, and I'm so thankful for you.  I can't imagine this journey without you.  You're my (and the girls) comedy relief...our bright patch in our gloomy days!

I've accomplished a lot of reading this past year.  It's amazing what you learn to do with your time when you're put on a detour of life.  One book I finished last week was by Anne Graham Lotz, My Heart's Cry.   The chapter in this book about praise struck a chord with me.  One thing that I've really tried to do this year is focus on what's pure, lovely and right.  I've failed miserably so many times, but the one thing that our family has made more of a concerted effort is to have our "Popcorn Praise" times.  She says, "King David knew that the secret of victory over adversity was a conscious choice to praise God.  Again and again, as he cries out to God in prayer, we hear his choice to praise: "How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?"...Look on me and answer, O Lord my God...But I will trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.  I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me....He [King David]...exercised his will to praise God even when he just didn't feel like it."

I've also mentioned I've been studying the book of James in the NT.  Uggh, we all know what THAT first chapter is all about!  "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds,  because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything...."  Yep, call me super  heathen, but I've wanted to slap James right in the face a few times this past year!  Sorry, but I'm just being honest.  David nor I (nor the girls) have considered it PURE JOY being placed in this health crisis this year, but I do know that it has caused me to look for the joy, look for the praise, look for the answers from Him- look....seek....ask...knock...wait...persevere....trust....wait....and, oh, did I say....wait!  The author states in the same chapter, "The highest form of genuine praise is not necessarily a sentimental feeling with tears streaming down your cheeks, hands raised, body moving to the rhythm of musical band on Sunday night.  Genuine praise is the gut-wrenching affirmation of faith uttered in the darkness of desperation as you cling to Him alone."---love that.  Praise is a choice just like love is a choice.  We do it out of obedience.  Forgive me, Lord, when I praise only out of obedience- because HE has done SO much for me!!!  Oh, how I wish my heart to be pure and it not struggle with the flesh.

I had all my blood tests taken again about 10 days ago.  My CPK is back up to 2400.  That's a number we haven't seen since last May in Bangkok-not good!  My other counts are elevated as well.  While it's quite discouraging it's also reminds me that I'm not going completely crazy either.  No wonder I'm feeling so weak and hurting again.  Why though???  What's the trigger???  Nobody seems to know.  A couple of doctors think environment- that's one reason for our little vacay last week.  We wanted to see if that rang true.  Although my weakness didn't improve, my purple hands got better.  I had the red shade, but not the purple.  Yes, there is a difference that David and I know.  Now, when we returned from our trip my knuckles have never hurt so badly-major arthritic pain!  I just went to bed crying last night because of if it.  I woke up not being able to move my swollen fingers.  Not good when you can't open you pill bottle to take your meds!!!!  We can't figure out if this last month is all a bad flare up or I'm in a "Herx [Herxheimer] Reaction" (worsening of symptoms due to flushing out of large amounts of toxins) since I started this Antibiotic Protocol Therapy and changed my steroid- honestly, it's probably both.  I think I was in the beginning of a flare up right as I started the AP Therapy.   Funny as it seems, the more David and I read about this reaction, it's a good thing.  It means that the treatment is working.  Doctors say the more inflamed one's body is the more severe the reaction (well, we all know that traditional medicine doctor says my body is "double fire" so i guess I'm having a doozy of a reaction right now).  It's killing off bacteria/toxins faster than I can get it out of my system...totally makes sense though.  So, I guess maybe the "feeling worse before feeling better" could hold true???  Let's pray so!

Well, I know I could go on and on, but I will stop for now since I've been a couch potato all day (not that I could do anything else!).  I need to at least move to the love seat now ;-)

 Our requests this week are as follows:

*Clear, wise, unified decision making (treatments, returning to Bangkok, timing)... "In his heart a mans plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." Prov. 16:9  "The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe." Proverbs 18:10

*Communication/direction with doctors

*That our girls would see and know God's power and peace in this trial and their faith will be increased!  Blessings upon them as they have so faithfully prayed for mommy to get well.

*Body will respond to new new treatment and HE will be gracious to me as to protect me from discouragement..."but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."  Is.40:31

*Resolutions with insurance THIS week

*Restored joy and renewed physical and spiritual strength..."Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him." James 1:12

My mom sent me the words to "Trust His Heart' last week, and I found in on youtube.  I sung this song numerous times in a college ensemble, and I always loved this song.  I hope it encourages you, too!

Li'l island get away....

Okay, so my prayers were answered from last post.  I was able to get out of dodge and see some SUNshine!  Although it wasn't exactly how I typically get to enjoy the sun and surf (tanning, swimming, boating, and splashing, etc.) I was thrilled to be on a get away with my family and have a change of scenery- and a beautiful change at that! Places like this- IS MY HAPPY PLACE!!! I was able to do lots of reading and resting...just what I needed.  It was a difficult day of travel so I was pretty wiped out when I got there and spent most of the day in the bed the next day while my peeps went exploring without me (sniff sniff!).  I have so much on my heart and mind right now, and I'll probably spill those beans in my next post.  For now, I'm choosing to reflect on my thankfulness of  my family and the opportunity to experience another new place in His Creation.  Enjoy the pics!

At the airport (and most public places)...You'd think we'd used to grabbing toilet paper BEFORE you enter, but after 15 months I still forget that minor detail at times (and have you know it's not often those actually have tp on those lovely little rolls as you enter!)

Ahhhhh, something to eat that's on the western side of life while waiting for our connecting flight (no ketchup or french fries...it's chili sauce and tater tots...it'll do though)!

Familiar sight...oh, and the way back to the airport the van pulled over for everyone to go p ray to big, fat, belly boy...if you know what I mean.  Let's just say, David was the only one didn't get out and got a few stares.  Thankful we know the Truth and the Truth has set us free! Heavy hearts for those who don't.

Let's just get there already because we've been up since o'dark thirty!!!!

Couldn't have this view back home- what a privilege!

Coming in for landing...glad they have good brakes!

My view all week out our front covered patio.

Our view out our back door.

The girls' happy place!

We had the beaches to ourselves...

The girls found a "surf board" to ride the waves.

Did I mention we had the beach to ourselves!?! (and for those who are already wondering-u know who you are (lol!!)-my front button had just come undone.  ALL my skin was covered up all week- promise!  I felt like granny, trust me.)

My hunky monkey!!!

 

After I gained some strength back we visited a prison on the island- just ruins now.

Okay, so it's been awhile since I posted our family SUV...and to think I complained in the States that my Jeep didn't have a third seat!  It's all perspective.

 

Sunrise on the isle...breathtaking. Ummmm, DAVID got up for this one!

 

no words...

If I had been in good health, I would have SO rented out that little boat (I call it a Moses boat)....Wouldn't that be fun to float around in all day!

"REJOICE in the L ord always and again I say rejoice!"

the good, the bad and the ugly...again

Have you ever just pitched a fit? Of course you have or you're just LYING! Well, this week I've pitched one (or 2 or 3 or 4 or 5!). This week has proven to be yet another challenging one for this momma bear. I truly wish I could say I was the kind of woman who could accept all things hard as a welcomed challenge in order to make me more like Him. Well, I'm not. I'm trying, but I'm just not not there yet! Oh, dear....will I EVER???? Just a warning...if you don't want an earful, then don't waste your time reading this. You know this is my therapy and the clock begins now!

Like my last post stated I've been in a bit of a “wrestling” mode. Let me just say I serve a very gracious God who knows just how much to the edge I can step. Last night/this morning He proved that to me again- and for that I'm most thankful.

David and I were able to have a date night while the girls were at a friend's house. I was bound and determined to not cry, to not complain, to not focus on my health, to not cry- oh, wait...I said that.  I was going to have a GRAND time with my man and enjoy our alone time. Well, guess what I did? Cry. I just can't help it. I must have been made with extra cry hormones- especially when it's rainy and dreary weather. If you're family or a close friend who knows me well or has read my blog over the past few years you'll recognize a cyclical pattern that comes every January or February- when it's cold and gloomy outside I have MAJOR gloom come upon me. It just does something to my psyche. David does have a way of calming me down though. Poor thing, I love him so much. You'd think he'd be used to those overactive emotional tears, but I'm sure he's not :-) When people ask me what I fell in love with David I always say that we could (can) talk for hours together. We love to talk “it” out...we can analyze something like nobody's business! All that to say, he knows when I get “like this” I need a date with him to talk, and bring it on like...yesterday!

My “fits” this week came again from pure frustration and bewilderment. I got some new medication from Bangkok, and I've not seen any improvement like the two times before when I was placed back on the steroid “pill” vs. the “effervescent” form of the steroid. UGHH! I canNOT figure that out. My muscles continue to weaken. I feel like I'm 90 years old with brittle arms and legs that can't stretch out at all. I'm to having to ask for help when dressing. I can't lift my legs in the bathtub. My hands continue to have this red and purple rash (which is obviously part of the disease), but now my knuckles have white splotches on them (at times...yes, I'm like a chameleon. These changes in coloring can come and go within minutes of each other- SO weird). It's so difficult for me to look into the mirror and see a physically different person than I was just one year ago. It's difficult to hear from my daughters that I look different. It's difficult to know (not hearing) that my husband knows I am different. It's difficult to hear from doctors, “The cold is affecting your health.” Or then I hear, “The sun is not good for the dermatomyositis.” SO....where am I suppose to live??? I guess in a UV protected bubble that's about 75 degrees? Okay, sounds good. Will insurance pay for that?!

Last night, as David and I prayed together I just lost it. Obviously, this doesn't take G od by surprise. He knows my heart. He knows the gunk that's in there (and there's a lot). He knows every bit of everything that I'm struggling with so why not just spill the beans? Well, I did, and it wasn't pretty. I told Him I was mad. I told him I didn't like what was happening to me or my family. I told Him that I couldn't believe we'd moved ½ way across the world and I wasn't getting to enjoy it like I had envisioned (how pathetic is that!?). I told Him I was tired of Him being silent. I told him there was a part of me who's scared that He was going to choose to not heal me. I told him a few other things that He can know (but you cannot!). Why do we sometimes try to hold it in with God? That's so completely ridiculous. He knows everything! I imagine it's quite refreshing for Him to finally hear from mouth what has been brewing in my heart for like...forever!?! No, this is not a new concept for me, but sometime one just needs to get back to the basics.

After all my ranting and raving, one thing I prayed for last night was to for Him to give me what I NEEDED. I am discouraged. I am weak. I am in need of this dark fog to lift (literally and figuratively!). I am in need of a glimmer of hope for healing. That's where His grace came in this morning. I woke up early (and when I can't sleep I check what time it is on my phone and occasionally check my email). I reread an email my mom sent me this week: “Wait on the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” (Psalm 27:14) At first, I thought, “Uggh, no more waiting please!” then I drifted back to sleep and awoke a few hours later and my heart was encouraged. I can't exactly say I had a spring in my step, but I definitely didn't feel as burdened and pathetic as the night before.

So, this morning I sat on my sofa and had some good alone time to do some reading and praying.  I worked on my study of the book of James. One thing I read last week in it was, “With the study of book of James, you can either change or quit. Let's not quit.”  Trust me, there have been numerous times this week I've wanted to throw up my hands and quit, but I canNOT quit. It's truly not in me I don't think. That's another one of those things I got a little extra of- perfectionism. I KNOW that He doesn't quit on me, and I know that I cannot quit on Him.

Some other points brought out to me this morning Beth Moore's, James- Mercy Triumphs:

*“The one who looks intently into perfect law of freedom and perseveres in it, and is not a forgetful hearer but one who does good works- this person will be blessed in what he does.” James 1:25

*”James can teach us the difference between talking about living in victory and actually doing it.”

*”We can work a study until the desert turns to ice and still be stuck in the same bondage. The doing causes the changing. Not the hearing.”

*”It's not until the hearing turns into doing that believing leads to blessing. Our “doing” may not always show up in physical activity. The initial act of obedience might be waiting upon the Lord or setting our minds zealously upon His faithfulness.”

*”What...is God's ultimate redemptive purpose” for each of us? Romans 8:29! “To be conformed to the image of His Son.”

I hope to see something like THIS in my very near future or you might to read about another fit!  BRING ON THE SUNSHINE!!!!!

 On a lighter note, Audrey An learned to ride her bike this week..  We are SO proud of you!  I think some things are starting to click in that little mind of hers...tutoring going well, learning to ride a bike and learning to play the piano.  There's a lot of action firing off in that little brain of hers!

 And...she's off!