Trust His Heart

One year ago this week is when I began to feel so physically sick, and I couldn't move a muscle (literally). I cannot believe it's been that long.  Trust me, in some ways it feels like eternity though!    Here is when I started journaling about it all.  As I said before, I'm the type to reflect, ponder, and analyze...maybe a tad too much at times.  I guess it's a good thing though when that quality causes me to appreciate the positive things and reevaluate the negative things in my life- and then do something about it.  I've teared up today re-reading some of those early posts- because I'm thankful I've written down my thoughts so I can remember HOW the Lord DOES provide, give insight, and cares about the details of our lives.  When one is in the middle of it, it's easy to forget that some times.  I think I really needed to go back and read those earlier posts!

David's on a trip right now, and we've just spoken.  He has had the greatest confidence through this entire illness that I will be delivered from this dreadful disease, and he reminded me of that again now.  Yes, he's wondered when it's been so long and sometimes feel like the silence is deafening, but he's hopeful.  It's just great to hear your man be confident, you know!? When my faith has been down (like as of late), he's been my cheerleader.  When I'm in so much pain and so weak to even pull the sheet over me or lift my pillow, he's there.  When I need to cry and/or talk things out, he listens.  Thank you, David.  I love you, and I'm so thankful for you.  I can't imagine this journey without you.  You're my (and the girls) comedy relief...our bright patch in our gloomy days!

I've accomplished a lot of reading this past year.  It's amazing what you learn to do with your time when you're put on a detour of life.  One book I finished last week was by Anne Graham Lotz, My Heart's Cry.   The chapter in this book about praise struck a chord with me.  One thing that I've really tried to do this year is focus on what's pure, lovely and right.  I've failed miserably so many times, but the one thing that our family has made more of a concerted effort is to have our "Popcorn Praise" times.  She says, "King David knew that the secret of victory over adversity was a conscious choice to praise God.  Again and again, as he cries out to God in prayer, we hear his choice to praise: "How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?"...Look on me and answer, O Lord my God...But I will trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.  I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me....He [King David]...exercised his will to praise God even when he just didn't feel like it."

I've also mentioned I've been studying the book of James in the NT.  Uggh, we all know what THAT first chapter is all about!  "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds,  because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything...."  Yep, call me super  heathen, but I've wanted to slap James right in the face a few times this past year!  Sorry, but I'm just being honest.  David nor I (nor the girls) have considered it PURE JOY being placed in this health crisis this year, but I do know that it has caused me to look for the joy, look for the praise, look for the answers from Him- look....seek....ask...knock...wait...persevere....trust....wait....and, oh, did I say....wait!  The author states in the same chapter, "The highest form of genuine praise is not necessarily a sentimental feeling with tears streaming down your cheeks, hands raised, body moving to the rhythm of musical band on Sunday night.  Genuine praise is the gut-wrenching affirmation of faith uttered in the darkness of desperation as you cling to Him alone."---love that.  Praise is a choice just like love is a choice.  We do it out of obedience.  Forgive me, Lord, when I praise only out of obedience- because HE has done SO much for me!!!  Oh, how I wish my heart to be pure and it not struggle with the flesh.

I had all my blood tests taken again about 10 days ago.  My CPK is back up to 2400.  That's a number we haven't seen since last May in Bangkok-not good!  My other counts are elevated as well.  While it's quite discouraging it's also reminds me that I'm not going completely crazy either.  No wonder I'm feeling so weak and hurting again.  Why though???  What's the trigger???  Nobody seems to know.  A couple of doctors think environment- that's one reason for our little vacay last week.  We wanted to see if that rang true.  Although my weakness didn't improve, my purple hands got better.  I had the red shade, but not the purple.  Yes, there is a difference that David and I know.  Now, when we returned from our trip my knuckles have never hurt so badly-major arthritic pain!  I just went to bed crying last night because of if it.  I woke up not being able to move my swollen fingers.  Not good when you can't open you pill bottle to take your meds!!!!  We can't figure out if this last month is all a bad flare up or I'm in a "Herx [Herxheimer] Reaction" (worsening of symptoms due to flushing out of large amounts of toxins) since I started this Antibiotic Protocol Therapy and changed my steroid- honestly, it's probably both.  I think I was in the beginning of a flare up right as I started the AP Therapy.   Funny as it seems, the more David and I read about this reaction, it's a good thing.  It means that the treatment is working.  Doctors say the more inflamed one's body is the more severe the reaction (well, we all know that traditional medicine doctor says my body is "double fire" so i guess I'm having a doozy of a reaction right now).  It's killing off bacteria/toxins faster than I can get it out of my system...totally makes sense though.  So, I guess maybe the "feeling worse before feeling better" could hold true???  Let's pray so!

Well, I know I could go on and on, but I will stop for now since I've been a couch potato all day (not that I could do anything else!).  I need to at least move to the love seat now ;-)

 Our requests this week are as follows:

*Clear, wise, unified decision making (treatments, returning to Bangkok, timing)... "In his heart a mans plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." Prov. 16:9  "The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe." Proverbs 18:10

*Communication/direction with doctors

*That our girls would see and know God's power and peace in this trial and their faith will be increased!  Blessings upon them as they have so faithfully prayed for mommy to get well.

*Body will respond to new new treatment and HE will be gracious to me as to protect me from discouragement..."but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."  Is.40:31

*Resolutions with insurance THIS week

*Restored joy and renewed physical and spiritual strength..."Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him." James 1:12

My mom sent me the words to "Trust His Heart' last week, and I found in on youtube.  I sung this song numerous times in a college ensemble, and I always loved this song.  I hope it encourages you, too!