Like my last post stated I've been in a
bit of a “wrestling” mode. Let me just say I serve a very
gracious God who knows just how much to the edge I can step. Last
night/this morning He proved that to me again- and for that I'm most
thankful.
David and I were able to have a date
night while the girls were at a friend's house. I was bound and
determined to not cry, to not complain, to not focus on my health, to
not cry- oh, wait...I said that. I was going to have a GRAND time
with my man and enjoy our alone time. Well, guess what I did? Cry.
I just can't help it. I must have been made with extra cry hormones-
especially when it's rainy and dreary weather. If you're family or
a close friend who knows me well or has read my blog over the past
few years you'll recognize a cyclical pattern that comes every
January or February- when it's cold and gloomy outside I have MAJOR
gloom come upon me. It just does something to my psyche. David does
have a way of calming me down though. Poor thing, I love him so
much. You'd think he'd be used to those overactive emotional tears,
but I'm sure he's not :-) When people ask me what I fell in love
with David I always say that we could (can) talk for hours together.
We love to talk “it” out...we can analyze something like nobody's
business! All that to say, he knows when I get “like this” I
need a date with him to talk, and bring it on like...yesterday!
My “fits” this week came again from
pure frustration and bewilderment. I got some new medication from
Bangkok, and I've not seen any improvement like the two times before
when I was placed back on the steroid “pill” vs. the
“effervescent” form of the steroid. UGHH! I canNOT figure that
out. My muscles continue to weaken. I feel like I'm 90 years old
with brittle arms and legs that can't stretch out at all. I'm to having to ask for help when dressing. I can't lift my legs in the
bathtub. My hands continue to have this red and purple rash (which
is obviously part of the disease), but now my knuckles have white
splotches on them (at times...yes, I'm like a chameleon. These
changes in coloring can come and go within minutes of each other- SO
weird). It's so difficult for me to look into the mirror and see a
physically different person than I was just one year ago. It's
difficult to hear from my daughters that I look different. It's
difficult to know (not hearing) that my husband knows I am different.
It's difficult to hear from doctors, “The cold is affecting your
health.” Or then I hear, “The sun is not good for the
dermatomyositis.” SO....where am I suppose to live??? I guess in
a UV protected bubble that's about 75 degrees? Okay, sounds good.
Will insurance pay for that?!
Last night, as David and I prayed
together I just lost it. Obviously, this doesn't take G od by
surprise. He knows my heart. He knows the gunk that's in there (and there's a lot). He
knows every bit of everything that I'm struggling with so why not
just spill the beans? Well, I did, and it wasn't pretty. I told Him
I was mad. I told him I didn't like what was happening to me or my
family. I told Him that I couldn't believe we'd moved ½ way across
the world and I wasn't getting to enjoy it like I had envisioned (how
pathetic is that!?). I told Him I was tired of Him being silent. I
told him there was a part of me who's scared that He was going to
choose to not heal me. I told him a few other things that He can
know (but you cannot!). Why do we sometimes try to hold it in with
God? That's so completely ridiculous. He knows everything! I
imagine it's quite refreshing for Him to finally hear from mouth what
has been brewing in my heart for like...forever!?! No, this is not a
new concept for me, but sometime one just needs to get back to the
basics.
After all my ranting and raving, one
thing I prayed for last night was to for Him to give me what I
NEEDED. I am discouraged. I am weak. I am in need of this dark fog
to lift (literally and figuratively!). I am in need of a glimmer of
hope for healing. That's where His grace came in this morning. I
woke up early (and when I can't sleep I check what time it is on my
phone and occasionally check my email). I reread an email my mom
sent me this week: “Wait on the Lord; be strong and take heart and
wait for the Lord.” (Psalm 27:14) At first, I thought, “Uggh,
no more waiting please!” then I drifted back to sleep and awoke a
few hours later and my heart was encouraged. I can't exactly say I
had a spring in my step, but I definitely didn't feel as burdened and pathetic as
the night before.
So, this morning I sat on my
sofa and had some good alone time to do some reading and praying. I worked on my study of the book of James. One thing I
read last week in it was, “With the study of book of James,
you can either change or quit. Let's not quit.” Trust me,
there have been numerous times this week I've wanted to throw up my
hands and quit, but I canNOT quit. It's truly not in me I don't
think. That's another one of those things I got a little extra of-
perfectionism. I KNOW that He doesn't quit on me, and I know that I
cannot quit on Him.
Some other points brought out to me
this morning Beth Moore's, James- Mercy Triumphs:
*“The one who looks intently
into perfect law of freedom and perseveres in it, and is not a
forgetful hearer but one who does good works- this person will be
blessed in what he does.” James 1:25
*”James can teach us the difference
between talking about living in victory and actually doing it.”
*”We can work a study until the
desert turns to ice and still be stuck in the same bondage. The
doing causes the changing. Not the hearing.”
*”It's not until the hearing turns
into doing that believing leads to blessing. Our “doing” may not
always show up in physical activity. The initial act of obedience
might be waiting upon the Lord or setting our minds zealously
upon His faithfulness.”
*”What...is God's ultimate redemptive
purpose” for each of us? Romans 8:29! “To be conformed to the
image of His Son.”
On a lighter note, Audrey An learned to ride her bike this week.. We are SO proud of you! I think some things are starting to click in that little mind of hers...tutoring going well, learning to ride a bike and learning to play the piano. There's a lot of action firing off in that little brain of hers!
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| I hope to see something like THIS in my very near future or you might to read about another fit! BRING ON THE SUNSHINE!!!!! |
And...she's off!
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